(Photograph copyright 2010, all rights reserved.)
Darlings! You have my Abject Apologies! I haven't Written to You in Three Months and I am Sorry. I have No Excuse except for Busyness. Even now, I am Called Away on an Important Errand and must Write this in Haste while Waiting for an Airplane. Find the Letters Here
1. While I Sympathize with the Boorishness that Your Father visited on you in the Past, the Present Situation does Not Apply to You. Interfering in Affairs of the Heart is Never Wise. If you Must Complain, be Anonymous. The Situation is Untenable, but no one will Thank You for being the First to Reveal it.
I prescribe a Trip to the Pub with your Colleagues, Absent the Offenders. A Strategy may yet Reveal Itself.
2. This would Not be the First Time that Dewy Youth was Gulled into Believing the False Blandishments of those More Experienced in the Art of Deceit. Take the lesson Now, before it is Too Late. You will have One More Chance to Prove Yourself, at most. Take a Lesson from an Accomplished Card Player and only reveal the Assets that will Distract the Enemy while not Revealing the Game you Play on your Own Behalf.
I prescribe a Glass of Whiskey and a Hot Bath. It is at Least Time for you to Learn to drink like an Adult, and not the Child that you Remain in your Heart.
3. Darling, you are Wasting Your Time. If the man Lacks the Ability to provide the Simple Courtesy of Granting you his Time for a Discussion, then he Lacks any Respect for You at all. This will Not Change with Marriage, and will, in my Opinion, only Worsen with Time.
I prescribe a Glass of Wine and a Cold Shower before you Confront this Bounder with Your Decision to Leave. I suspect that any Tears he Sheds will be those of Relief, rather than Sorrow.
4. We all have Family Members whose Very Existence seems a Blight on not only Our Lives, but the Very Planet we must All Share. Do Not grant This Event the Importance that you do Now. Consider it the Last Time you are Required to Tolerate the Genetically Derived Nonsense that has been Visited upon You.
Your Mother's Problems are Hers Alone. Tell her So, before you Depart for a Party with Members of Your Age Cohort. Also, Remind your Grandmother that while Fainting can Be Charming and a Good Distraction, it is Best Employed by Ingenues, who are Capable of Drooping Gracefully on Various Convenient soft Pieces of Furniture. She is No Longer Among them.
I prescribe Several Gin Cocktails and Dancing. Then Move On Forever with Grace and a Spring in Your Step.
Darlings, Again you have my Apologies. I well Attempt to Return in Two Weeks or So, Time Permitting. In the meantime, I must Wish You au revoir! My Plane is Boarding and I Must Give this Letter to the Gate Agent to drop in the Post.