Come and Visit, Darlings! The Wine Cellar is Always Open.

Aunt Messy is Happy to dispense Advice along with Various Aperitifs and Treats! All you have to Do to Contact Her is send an e-mail to: .

Monday, October 26, 2009

A New Letter! (How Exciting!)

(Photo copyright 2009, all rights reserved.)

Hello my Dears! I have a Special Treat for you Today! Someone has Sent me a Letter asking for my Advice. This is Very Exciting - my very First Letter. Of course, Anyone can contact me at and I would be Happy to Respond here.

Dear Aunt Messy,

I have been divorced for just over a year and started dating a few months ago. My job is very demanding and the I have a three-year-old daughter who keeps me very busy, so I've been using a couple of dating websites to meet people. So far I've gone out with three gentlemen that I've met at these sites. None of these have resulted in a long term relationship as yet, but I've had some fun and met some interesting people, but only in the short term.

The latest man I dated has me flummoxed, though. We dated for two months. He's somewhat older than me (early 50s, I'm in my mid-30s), but seemed to be a fun-loving, relaxed person. He is very well-off and has been divorced for 20 years. He has an adult daughter that I only met once. At first, he seemed very interesting. He travels, has adventures and generally has a good time. He's considering winding down his career and retiring soon. In short, he is much like the other two people I met online.

I made it clear from the beginning that I have a daughter and that any long term relationship would only happen if he keeps that in mind. He told me that was fine, that he loves children and would like a family again. There was one incident where he snapped at my daughter (he told her to shut her mouth when she was eating), and she never really warmed to him. This was something that concerned me, because she's a very social child, but I was willing to see where this would go. After all, we had only been dating for a matter of weeks. I thought we might have a chance at a real relationship.

Then last week he invited me out for dinner to one of my favorite restaurants. He was half an hour late picking me up, but apologized when he arrived and we still made it to the restaurant on time. Everything seemed normal and the food was wonderful, but halfway through the entree he started with the "It's not you, it's me" speech. I sat there in shock for a moment because this appeared to come out of the blue. Then I got up, walked out of the restaurant and home. We have not spoken since, and I wouldn't talk to him even if he did call.

This has let me to wonder what's wrong with me? I'm told that I'm attractive, I'm not overweight, I'm well-educated (Ph.D.) and well spoken. My wardrobe and comportment are good. I can't see that I did anything to offend this man, but I must have done or said something that put him off.

What's wrong with me, Aunt Messy? Will I ever date again? Will I ever find happiness? I'm in no hurry, but I'm beginning to wonder why I can't seem to find someone who just wants to spend time with me. What is it about me that these men find so revolting?


Oh, my dear Child, do Come in. We'll have a nice Glass of this Delightful Shiraz while we have our Appetizers. The Salon, if you Please, cook!

Now you were Wondering what is Wrong with You? Nothing, my Dear. Nothing at All. In fact, any man Should be Proud to have you at his Side. You have done Nothing Wrong, except perhaps to Expect More of these men than They are Capable of Comprehending. How, after all, could anyone but a Rank Fool give up a Chance to be with Someone like You?

(Have a glass of wine, dear. I'll join you.)

The Problem is Entirely Theirs, and the Man that you were Seeing most Recently is the Worst type of Fool!

You may know that I have Somewhat of a Chequered Past, dear. You wouldn't Know it to Look at me Now, but I was considered Quite the Beauty in my Time! It's Life on the Stage, you Know. It Attracts so many of the Wrong People. See that Photograph behind the Chaise Lounge? That's me when I was a Dancer. Yes, dear, that's the Whole Costume. It was de rigeur at the time, of Course. No one Thought it too Shocking to see me Attired in a Diamond Necklace, high heeled Shoes and a Pair of Ostrich Feather Fans.

Nonetheless. I did Learn a few things about Men such as Those you are Describing.

(Another Glass, dear? My goodness, these Cheese Puffs are Delicious!)

Many well-off Older Men (for so they were to me, and they are for you, too) are Accustomed to Purchasing whatever it is they Want. This includes People. I'm not referring just to Women, dear. This is a Pattern of Behavior that they've Followed all their Lives. If you Delve into their Business and Personal histories, you will Usually Find that they Firmly Believe that Money should Take Care of Everything and Everyone they have to deal with. They go to the Same Schools their Fathers did, join the Same Fraternities and Never have to Make an Effort to make a Friend or Meet Women. They surround themselves with People who are happy to be Bought and Never Worry about Consequences because they have Enough Money to Smooth Over most Problems.

It's Absurd and Wrong-Headed, but that's what they Think.

When you Add to that the Fact that the Fellows you've seen that Have been Divorced for a Long period of Time, you'll find that its even Worse. You see Dear, these Men are Single for a Reason. In some cases No one will Have them once they've gotten to Know them. After all, Having Money does not necessarily make men Less Boorish than their less well-heeled compatriots. In Some Cases, these People are Simply Nasty Cads who are Best Avoided.

Most of them, though, have Enough Money that they would have No Trouble at all finding a Woman who would Tolerate their Excesses and Bad Behavior for the sake of a Comfortable Life. They Remain Single for One Simple Reason, dear. They want to Live like Children, running after their Every Whim in the Vain Hope that they can Fool other into thinking they have a Full and Interesting Life. They don't. All they Accomplish is to Fill their Time with Trivial Nonsense.

Responsibility is something they Cannot Tolerate. It takes Effort, and they've Avoided anything Requiring true Effort for their Entire Lives. They aren't Interested in Bright, Accomplished young Ladies, they want Temporary Companionship that will make No Demands on them. All they Require is Someone to be Decorative on the Right Occasions and fade into the Woodwork unless Summoned.

You mention that this...Person you went out with Went Fishing, Hunting and Hiking all within the Short Time you Knew him. He didn't Invite you to Join Him, did he? I thought not. He went with Male Friends who Live just as He Does, whether they're Married or Not.

(Oh good. Dinner is Ready! I'm Famished. I hope you enjoy Leg of Lamb, dear. Yes? Oh Lovely. Let's have another Bottle of Wine, too.)

This is Why it's impossible for you to have a Good Relationship with People like That, dear. You are Beautiful (And don't Demur! Millions of Women would Envy your Looks. There is No Need for Modesty in this!), and they are Attracted to you, but Soon they Understand that you will Not be Treated like an Armband or a Convenience to Any Man. You Frighten Them. They see in you Someone that they Could have aspired to Be Like as well as a Beautiful Woman. They Know that they can Never live up to your Standards and it Makes them Feel Inferior.

Make no Mistake. They Do feel Inferior to You. You have Everything that they Never bothered to Attain themselves. Your Accomplishments, your Natural Dignity, your Honesty, your Integrity - These are all Things that They will Never have, and you make them Feel as Small and Insignificant as they are in Truth. This is Not a Mirror that Any Man can Bear to Look into.

(A Hairy Back?! Oh Dear how Dreadful! What a Revolting..... Would you Care for a glass of Port or Madeira with Dessert? ... Not Inventive either? Well, Selfish People never make Good Lovers, do they? And you Didn't Notice when he... Oh dear. Just as Well then...)

Cast your Net wider, dear! You will Find Someone who will Make you Happy, that you will Love with all your Heart. A Rule that I made for Myself a Long Time ago is that if a Man can't make me Laugh within Hours of Meeting, he is Not the Right Person for me. That Rule has made me Very Happy in the Past. I think it's a Good One. I Predict that you will Meet Someone when you Least Expect to. He will be Someone that will Make you Laugh, who will Dedicate himself to Your Happiness, and that you can Trust with your Heart and maybe even your Money.

Oh, what a Lovely Dinner! Cook has Outdone herself this time! No, of Course you Can't Drive home. Thomas will take you, or if you Prefer, you could Spend the Night and go Riding with me in the Morning? Lovely. Maryanne will Show You to the Green Suite. Tomorrow, I Must to Introduce you to Someone...


  1. Excellent advice, Aunt Messy. I might only add that widowers often make the best partners, since their marriages did not end by choice, and the ones who had truly good relationships are often eager for another good relationship.

    That, and it's a good idea not to involve your small child with the new men in your life until the relation starts to take a serious turn. Even introducing his as "Mr. Dave, who is a friend of Mommy's" can confuse them, because Mr. Dave will no longer be coming around if it doesn't work out.

  2. The LW should have listened to her gut instinct the first time the man "snapped at her child" and the child "never really warmed to him." That would have been the end for me.

    I'd have to agree with CoolOne about not involving the child with the men she's dating until it's become serious. I know a lot of women will say that there's no point to date any further unless he gets along with the kids and vice versa, so they want to introduce them, but then they will turn right around and ignore it when the child and the man don't warm to each other. I'm not speaking specifically about the lady here, just making a general observation.

    It's also been my observation that a lot of older men genuinely do like children but it's the "like" that a grandparent has ~ they think the kids are cute in small doses but they want to be able to hand them back to someone when they grow tiresome. I think this lady may be dating men a wee bit too old for her purposes.

  3. I agree with the age thing to a point. There are always exceptions. My spider sense would be tingling all over the place once I found out the guy had been single for 18 years.

    THAT is a real problem. Believe me, if someone WANTS to be in a relationship but hasn't been for that long, then there is something epically wrong there. Most of the men (and women!) who whine that they "can't meet anyone" or "I only meet creeps" are either fishing in the wrong pond or have real.....issues.

  4. Oh yeah, I missed the part about him being single for that long. There's a reason for that ~ probably several. And none of them good.